HOW TO DIET STRENUOUSLY, SUFFER TERRIBLY,

AND GAIN WEIGHT.

Big rule #1! Be afraid to feel hungry.

Even if your friends can go without eating ALL Day,

Even if, when you were a teen? you used to be able to tolerate the most awful hunger pains?

The number one best way to be absolutely sure you will never lose weight is to be unable to tolerate that gnawing feeling in your belly. GO. Get to that fridge, and fill yourself up. It's the only way to stay. That weight.

Big Rule #2.

Starve all day and eat at night.

Here's how it's done. Inside your head, keep up a conversation with yourself all day: Don't be silly, don't eat that. Stop. You can live without that chocolate cake. You don't have to have that beautiful pasta. DONT REACH FOR THAT! (And so forth).

Luckily, you're one of those who CAN withstand hunger.

But now it's evening. Gorge. That pasta's been on your mind all day, and there WAS oil in that sauce, that's why it looked so good! So put lots in yours this evening. And walk directly to Gelson's for that extra rich chocolate cake which is just sitting waiting for you above the best rye bread and breakfast goodies in town.

See? It's easy. Instinctual. And one of the basics on how not to lose weight.

Rule # 3.

This is a good one: LOVE SUGAR.

There are many women and men who love sugar. This is a basic below basics, because no matter how many people shave their heads and go on about how it's all fat. You and I know different. It's all about sweets.

Now the best way to blow yourself up on sweets is to cheat just a little at the beginning. In fact, that's exactly how I would suggest you say it to yourself, and you quote, " I'll just cheat a little at the beginning. Later, I'll be much more strict."

Now sugar lovers fall into two categories and two categories only.

1. Desert junkies

2. 711 Junkies

Usually the women fill the first category and the men the second. Men walk into 711 and there they are: devil dogs. Those absolutely void of nutrition fluffed up, sugared down bundles of failure. And no one has to know. those things will get demolished by your teeth before you get back into the truck!

Women on the other hand, like to be taken out. And the waiter, who knew our name, knew your number, and even knew with clever diet you were on, comes around with a tray the size of Milwaukee just covered with every single kind of luscious, dripping with pleasure concoction you could imagine, even if you spent a week making up recipes. I sometimes pull a knife to see if he'll get lost. But he doesn't and I take and try and stay.. Just as fat as I am.